one hundred and four

 

The love you showed me through your skin, made me realized that maybe I was for you in real life the same way you were for me in my dreams. The thing is that I was so immature that the strangeness from you made me fall asleep even before I could start. It was remarkable beyond reality how we fall and where it happened. Is like everything colluded to make things real for us: for me, to be sat at your desk was an accomplished already and for you not having a rest that day; to be confused and tired but still smile at me for real. Your pashmina showed me how careful you were about the weather and about everything else apparently, I mean it was 104°F outside and you never quit from that dam thing. I could smell your essence from miles away, -Shit! If I close my eyes I can picture your aroma in my nose until this day. Your perfume was so right for me, it never lost its fragrance when it got impregnated in my skin, maybe I should had sower but I knew It wouldn’t happen again so, I did not want it to disappear, -I can close my eyes and still see those hip movements of yours. Our scene was like dancing in the day of my wedding and you were supposed to be there for me. I regret a lot of things in my life; I have been stubborn and selfish and those certainly come with several consequences, but you made me want to be other person, to deserve you. I wish I were in your sheets again. I also think that nigh shouldn’t have ended the way it was. I think what I felt, you did too, but then I look at the mirror and think that my stubbornness is talking, again. I want to think that you are walking in your shoes, lost your way sometimes, then you close your eyes and maybe this day: the memory of me appear a little bit. For me, you are as fine as the first day we connected, your image in my head is so perfectly and vividly attached. I was younger than you, but you did not cared about that, you gave my first classes for things I already thought I knew: you showed me how to kiss, how to dance and how to fly in the moon. Those black boots of your outfit that night, are my perfect shoe figure since that day, I have a male pair in my closet to remember you, and they are not for step or wear. Thanks to you I´m other person, confident, secure and with a loving threshold. I now see the girls walk but not to see their boobs or the ass, I see their smile, the neck and the hands. I order my coffee to go in the corner coffee shop because I don’t drink it in any kitchen if it isn´t yours, you never got to know me that well and that was my doing, my heart was so closed: I was deep in my head with thoughts buried, wherever my mind was, that day, your coffee could opened my mouth and spread words I never told anyone before. Your sweet talk healed my broken soul, hearing you I couldn´t say a word. It was my time to listen, not to brag my flow, it was like the first time I saw you without clothes and my mind got lost. Your body was so perfect for me: we were the best fit. If I star describing you I could never end; your face was insane; your heart huge, your ass has no complain, even your toes where too, your long brown hair covering your soft-hard spine, Man! Do you think I fall for you? Because, I did, sincerely.

After you were undress, mine arrived, then you took my hand and putted on your back, after a moment of silence breathe from both, you hugged me with strong arms and sharp nails. -That is when everything turn gold. I saw your naked eyes and I never thought I would. You let me be inside you, but not just your cervix because that was for later; you let me be inside your head, your thoughts and your dreams. You opened your spirit and I took it to melt it with mine, I saw your kind soul and that is where I think you converted mine into a soul of kindness as well. I have so much to thank you for, all the things I learned from you; how to listen and talk to a women; how to feel complete with another person; how to close my eyes and transport my perception into another world: another land beyond earth and reality. I told you before: you show me how to fly and land in the moon, to stay there long enough to reborn and relocate my feelings about life, love and sex. Yow showed me how to smile when all the receptors are awaken and how it is supposed to feel. I wanted you to stay a bit longer but my ears understood that you had to go, for the better or worse: you had to. I wanted to grave your arms and give you sweet talking until yo could comprehend that I was not going to be the same without you after our connection, I wanted to appeal at your soft heart area with petting and beg for your reconsideration of leaving, but you also taught me how to be strong and to be mature when I had to, you gave me patience and hope. So, that kiss on my forehead at the end of the day is the one that I preserve as an incentive that another form of you will come to my life, but she'll stay because she wants to and she can do.

Now the sea water erased our initials, the same ones you draw in the sand on our third date. I go every year just to remember the scene, I lay down there until I fall asleep and I start the dream of you again, the circle where I am since your presence is falling apart but I hold it, I hold your figure, your sense, your immaculate vibe. I´m in a place where If that circle of thoughts of you were a car in wheels, I sure hell necessary had to go to the pits and change it because it won’t last much longer on the ride and it will be dangerous for me, but I don´t care. I realize that, but I don’t care. The scars of your nails in my back huts sometimes, maybe that is why I am writing this to the air: to let you go. To let you fly away from my heart, from my mind. I want to keep dreaming with you but wake up happy and not miserable, like I do now, because the thing with you, darling, is that I was never miserable with you: I was fulfilled and I somehow want to continue thrilled with the memory of you but without the burning aside.

I now you won’t read this, maybe because I never told you how I felt and how deep you are in my skin, but I trust that this letter to the air will accomplished what I am looking for. Because, yeah, I’m still waiting for your younger version, the one that is for me, but I have to be completely healed from your presence, to be penetrated for another soul, for another one. Just this time, forever.   

I breathe to live, I live to love, and I love waiting for you (in any form).

I hope life gives me the opportunity to recognize the soul that will keep my nights warm just like I´ll do for hers.

I do, sincerely.